Today, I came up with two ground-shaking thoughts.
FIRST THOUGHT: Nose hairs look an AWFUL lot like eyelashes (at least mine do). What if, when we say “Oooh, eyelash! Make a wish!” we are accidentally wishing on nose hairs?
SECOND THOUGHT WHICH IS MUCH MORE CONVOLUTED: Have you ever played the card game B.S.? (If you haven’t, go look it up. I tried to explain all the rules in writing, but I didn’t know how much to include. I mean, I wanted to be thorough but also not insult your intelligence by saying “a 9 comes after an 8″or something) Okay, You know how after you lie and get away with it, you’re supposed to say “peanut butter!” or something equally non-sequitur? Why don’t we work that into our daily lives? It would be really useful for all those ambiguous moments.
Like when you don’t know if somebody’s flirting. So when a person says “Hey, the way you awkwardly flail about the dance floor is cool,” HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF THAT WAS FLIRTING? Wouldn’t it be so much better if two minutes later, the person was obligated to say “peanut butter!” i.e. “heehee I was totally flirting back there!”?
Or like when a job interviewer is being all nice to you and you’re like GODDAMMIT STOP WITH THE PLEASANTRIES AND JUST TELL ME NOW IF ALL THE OTHER CANDIDATES ARE WAY BETTER QUALIFIED AND PRETTIER AND BETTER AT GETTING ALL OF THEIR HAIR INTO A PONYTAIL AT ONCE. Instead they could just solemnly look you in the eye and say “peanut butter” to mean “thank you very much for your time, but you should probably start looking at other options because I was just being kind when I said that the time you accidentally let go of your friend’s pink balloon was a relevant story to this interview.” Oh man, just think of how useful that would be.
That concludes today’s brilliant thoughts. Let me know what you think the implications or limitations of nose-hair-wishing are. And I’d love to hear about other “peanut butter scenarios” that you have encountered.