I invented a hoverboard! But let me tell you about the time Beyonce and I were in the same stadium!

I used to dream about all my awesome things that I was going to accomplish in my life and all the fame that would come along with it.  I would solve global warming, then implement a “no idiots allowed to run for president” policy, then lead a national campaign against food workers at sub shops that blatantly ignore when you say “extra pickles. EXTRA.” And people would congregate around me and say supportive things like “You are amazing,” or “Wow, thanks for saving the country” or “You look halfway decent in that photo taken at Subway.” But then I realized that no matter how hard I worked, it wouldn’t matter.  Even if I got those pickle-rationers locked up for life, I still wouldn’t have the complete adoration of the public. That’s because there is still one thing that can always trump any individual’s accomplishments: celebrity encounters.

Maybe it’s just the generation I belong to (#millenials), but I swear nothing gets a room’s attention faster than a girl saying “and then I walked right past Matt Damon!! Swear to God it was him!”  And then people will gather around her to ask you all sorts of questions about his clothes, his expression, and probably his bodily functions as though it’s the most interesting topic in the world.  I honestly believe that you could cure cancer and people wouldn’t be as excited about it as if you had peed in the stall next to the one Jennifer Lawrence peed in.  Sometimes I just find myself thinking “she needs to sort out our priorities.”  If you just read that excitedly in Rupert Grint’s voice, congratulations, you now understand what I’m talking about.

All the social rules go haywire when it comes to celebs. Take friendships: it would be really weird if one day you decided to ditch all your true friends because you once heard that girl Taylor say something way cool and funny and now you wanted to be best friends with her.  Your real friends would probably bitch slap some sense into you. But it’s totally not weird if that girl is Taylor Swift, and all you know  about her is one time she told a really funny story on Jimmy Fallon.  You could easily say “Oh man, I would give up all of you guys just to be bffs with her,” and your friends would just nod knowingly.

As much as I disparage people who do this, I’m still completely guilty of falling into the same warped mindset. In any given conversation about my education, I’m way more likely to talk about that time I saw Emma Watson than to even whisper about that time I wrote an 80 page undergraduate thesis.  Like what??

So screw my job search; I’ll just buy a ticket to LA and see if I can get close enough to Scar Jo for her to yell at me.


Note: I was thinking of using all the celeb names in this post as tags to get more views, but I resisted the urge. Progress!


One thought on “I invented a hoverboard! But let me tell you about the time Beyonce and I were in the same stadium!

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