So lately I’ve been trying to get in shape because I have no life and no job. I’m pretty sure this is the only time that one can have time for exercise.
I’m one of those people who only exercises because it feels good….afterwards. Seriously, people, It’s pure pain while it’s happening, and I have no idea how you subject yourself to this for your whole life. But then the runner’s high kicks in and I’m like “This is grrrreeeeeaaaatttt. *lavish sigh*”
Actually, I guess when I say “pure pain,” I mean “quite a bit of pain, but also a lot of boredom.” Time moves soooo slowly when you are working your muscles to death. There’s really no good distraction because it’s pretty hard to ignore the fact that your thighs are probably about to spontaneously combust, and also you feel like you are slowly suffocating (maybe I’m doing it wrong?). I’m basically just willing time to pass faster. Even though I have access to those machines that have TVs on them, I can never use them because I just get mad at the characters for talking so slowly. Plus, when those commercial breaks come on, it’s like oh goody, now I get to watch the four minute ad for an asthma drug *pain pain pain*. Instead, I always listen to music, but again, it’s hard not to get fed up when the chorus comes on for the 50,000th time and you’re like HOW IS THIS SONG NOT OVER YET?? (Even though when it comes on the radio, I’m like HOW WAS THIS SONG OVER SO FAST??)
I figured I needed to change up the things that I do to work out, since running on a treadmill is basically like moving your legs on a moving rubber sidewalk with an unchanging view that makes loud noises when you run and shows you a display that tells you just how poorly you are doing…oh wait, that’s exactly what it is. So instead of going for my half hour to hour long of 50 shades of pain and boredom (the lesser-known sister series to 50 shades of grey), I decided to find a fun workout on Youtube.
As a long time fan of Biggest Loser (best show ever, although I haven’t watched it in about 4 years so if it’s gotten bad since then, don’t blame me), I of course had to choose a workout from Jillian Michaels. Boy, was that a mistake. While I did end up with more of a variety of exercises, I also took a major hit to my self esteem. Not because I couldn’t keep up, which I absolutely couldn’t, but because I couldn’t even do the moves if I wanted to. According to my unflexible, unathletic and uncoordinated self, I’m pretty sure she said “Ok, now bend down, wrap your tongue around your back, cross your toes around your elbows, and jump on alternating arms while rotating your ankle in 1 to 2 second intervals.” I thought you would be more relatable, Jillian!
Jillian was also a let-down in other areas. She would give instructions for an exercise and do it for about one to two seconds, then she would stop, while I HAD TO KEEP GOING. She stopped under the guise of “I’m going to go over to my assistants while they continue to sweat it out and criticize everything they’re doing, so viewers at home get it RIGHT.” But really I just think she was just like “Hell, I’ll make millions of dollars no matter what I do, so I’ll just give myself a nice, well-deserved break.” To their credit, her assistants were doing great. Meanwhile, Jillian’s going “I know it hurts, but you’ve got to EARN THOSE ABS.” and I was like that’s great and all but when does this end so I can go eat chocolate? Yeah, so personality-wise, we weren’t exactly compatible.
Does anybody else have experience with home exercise videos? Any suggestions or are they all just like Jillian’s? Any embarrassing stories?
Featured image from funnypica.com