Pet Pet Peeves (not a typo, just a bad pun)

I’m sick of dog owners pretending like their dog is a shining light that illuminates the lives of everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I really like dogs, I just don’t like the way that owners present them. Dogs have evolved quite a bit, but they’re still dealing with some pretty primitive drives that will almost always trump the owners’ commands. Ok fine, everyone has their dog trained to sit when he’s not too excited and to poop outside the house, but most people have not gone too far beyond that. If you are one of those people, please stop pretending like your dog is so well behaved that he will ignore his instincts to bark at, run toward, sniff, hump, and jump on passerby.

To be more specific, here are some things that I would scream at—I mean, calmly explain to dog owners. Disclaimer: Again, I am totally ok with getting an enthusiastic hello from a dog, but I’m pissed at the ensuing response from dog owners.

1. Please stop walking your dog within jumping distance of other people. Yes, some people enjoy greeting an unfamiliar pup, but other people are like “YOU KNOW ALL DOGS ARE GOING TO DO THIS WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PRETEND THAT THEY WILL NOT LEAVE MORE DISTANCE BETWEEN US FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD.”

2. While your dog is in the process of jumping on me, stop pretending like you have any control of the situation. “Rusty, NO! NO, RUSTY, NO!!” is clearly not working. Apologize to the person being mauled; don’t punish your dog for doing something THAT SHE WILL NEVER STOP DOING.

3. On a related note, stop pretending like your dog can actually understand and respond to you. “Relax, Spot, RELAX!!” will definitely not cause Spot to stop humping that lamp post, hang his head, and apologize to you politely.

4. If your dog is not on a leash and starts harrassing me, I do not accept your apology. If you didn’t want her to do it, you should’ve had her on a leash. Actions speak louder than words, and therefore I will openly show you my hatred (but probably just in my head and on this blog because I’m really scared of confrontation).

5. Please stop making a production about how you are going to care for your pet. Like, if you need to give your dog water, fine, go ahead. But if you’re interrupting a conversation you’re not in to be like “Babe, I’m gonna give Shaggy some water because he looks dehydrated,” just don’t. Also I get that you need to put the water in a container so the dog can drink it, but stop trying so hard to get me to compliment your self-inflating, doggy-embroidered bowl or whatever it is you guys use these days. I will not.

6. Let the dog lovers come to you. Don’t walk your dog around looking at people expectantly like “Come say hi to my dog and ask me about how I maintain her beautiful toenails! And oh thanks for asking, she is 13 months old and a golden retriever-shitzu-collie-German shepard mix.” And once the people have tacitly refused your offer, get the dog away to avoid a rule #2 situation.

Thanks!  Please feel free to add your own.


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