When you’re as lazy as I am, you need a good internal ranking system that tells you just how much time and effort you’ll need for any given task. That way, you can decide if said task is a) doable without leaving bed, b) doable with an acceptable amount of energy expenditure, c) doable for tomorrow (or tomorrow’s tomorrow), or d) not doable and it’s time to think of believable excuses for not doing it. It’s taken me years to hone this skill into perfection.
For those not as gifted as I, but just as lazy, I’m provide a few key phrases that can give you a little insight into how much skill and/or time you actually need for a particular job/assignment/chore. I’ll also give you a direct translation of these key phrases into lazy-person-speak.
If you are cooking:
- Your recipe says “use a food processor (or blender).”
- What it means for you: “you will probably chop your finger off trying to assemble this thing, and even if you don’t–the cleanup is horrific.”
- Your recipe says “assemble these ingredients for the sauce.”
- What it means for you: Nobody has time for that. Either buy the premade sauce from the store, use those little packets of soy sauce that you’ve saved for years from Chinese take out, or pick another recipe.
- Your recipe says “in another bowl (or pan)”
- What it means for you: Whoa, more than one cooking vessel?? Getting too complex there. Only attempt if you have a lot of time and a friend to do your dishes.
If you are exercising:
- Your really in-shape friend says “Come with me to the gym–we’ll just do a really easy workout!!”
- What it means for you: Death is imminent. Instead, get your exercise by running away.
- Your other friend says “Let’s do yoga together!”
- What it means for you: Too much time figuring out what the hell people doing yoga consider proper dress. (Also, if you’re like me…time to be ridiculed for your extreme lack of flexibility).
- You see or hear the phrase “…and in just a few short weeks…”
- What it means for you: Nope.
If you are coding:
(Unfortunately, coding is less like the other two examples in that it’s probably better NOT to rank these situations on my scale. If it’s your own code, you can’t just assign it to someone else or say “no thanks, not today,” or “find me a new recipe, please.” But here’s what I think about these tasks anyway.)
- You are told to re-word the description of your function.
- What it means for you: No prob, doesn’t even need half your brain. If you are stuck, use a thesaurus and replace every word.
2. You are told to divide your long and unreadable function into smaller, manageable functions.
- What it means for you: A lot of initial energy spent on cursing the person who ordered this task because of course your code is understandable!! Your anger is eventually redirected to yourself as you realize, yeah, that code needed some serious revamping. Get ready for a lot of tearing your hair out as your tests fail over and over.
3. You are told that the structure of your entire program needs to be redone.
- What it means for you: See no. 1 from “if you are cooking.” Finger amputation is figurative.
In case you haven’t guessed yet, this post was written because of procrastination due to a category 3 coding situation.
Featured image from pinterest (Ginny Reed).