My experiences in internet trolling*

Can’t fall asleep, but tired of counting sheep?  Why not try getting away from the peace of your own brain, and probing the brilliant minds of the internet for a bit?

Last night, I decided to skip the usual pre-bedtime facebook prowl, and instead headed to a site that I’d heard of called “omegle.”  It’s one of those sites that your parents warned you never to visit, that proclaims “talk to strangers!”  Sounds promising, right?

I was not prepared for what came next.  This site is not for the fainthearted.  People on omegle embrace the power of anonymity, and are not afraid to be crude, mean, and extremely sexual.  For the most part, these people seem very uneducated.  This could also be because of all the teenagers lurking on the site who lie about their age.  Nonetheless, if you can work around the lunatics and horny foreigners, you can have some priceless conversations.

First, I had to learn a few lessons in how stranger-to-stranger internet communication works. (For those of you well-versed in the art of internet chatting, just bear with me for a bit). The very first person I was connected with said “Hey asl.”  I was slightly taken aback at his/her audacity to call me an “asshole” when we had never actually met.  Tempted as I was to dissolve into tears and start playing some T-Swift to cheer myself up, I pressed onward. “Asl?” I said.

This was countered with the message: Your conversational partner has disconnected.

 I was a little offended, but curiosity got the better of me, and I started a new conversation.  This next kind stranger took the time to explain that “asl” is in fact three questions disguised as an acronym.  It’s a way to get all your personal information in one go!  “Age? Sex? Location?”   Some people are more direct and just ask if you are “m or f?”  Or they’ll open the conversation by telling you 22/m/US.  Some seem unwilling to waste so many characters and will simply greet you with “m,” and expect you to reply in kind.

Okay, so it’s not that bad.  I was just raised to be extremely paranoid about my internet security.  I realize that lying is a perfectly acceptable way to address the dreaded “asl,” but instead, I decided to try to evade the question.  Strangers become increasingly offended as you refuse to divulge these three pieces of information.  They are also quite persistent, and are not easily distracted from this question…

So, for your entertainment, here is a taste of me acting like a troll on omegle.  Unfortunately, I only came up with the idea to save my conversations after I had a lot of extremely amusing interactions…but here’s what I did capture.  I highly recommend trying this.  If you’re short on time, I suggest reading the last one I’ve posted.   It’s by far the best of my brief trolling career.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: hello

You: how are you on this fine evening?

Stranger: asl

Stranger: good but were i am it is raining

You: bummer. did you try telling it to go away?

Stranger: yes yes i did so asl?

You have disconnected.

 

You: hey

Stranger: m f

You: oh no! did they gag you?

Stranger: wat did u get that of dumbass.com  (<– took him/her about 5 minutes to think of this)

You: no…you said “mmf,” so I was a tad concerned

You: my apologies. you seem fine

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: hi

You: sup?

Stranger: asl

You: what about sal?

You: or las?

You: but not als…that’s a terrible disease

Stranger: true so asl

You: got anything else?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: heyy

You: hello

Stranger: asl??

You: what??

Stranger: T!

Stranger: R

You: u

Stranger: U

You: E

Stranger: T!

You: O

Stranger: H

Stranger: TRUTH!

You: nope, I’m pretty sure that’s truuetoh

Stranger: ttrruu

Stranger: ye i dunno

Stranger: i think you may be going insane.. u should see a doctor

Stranger: bye

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: hellooo there

Stranger: Hi

Stranger: asl

You: no thanks

You: got anything else?

Stranger: whats upp

You: ooh I like that one

You: not much, just the clouds, and some airplanes, probably

Stranger: wtf

You: what’s up with you?

Stranger: u may wanna ask urself that

You: I guess I shouldn’t take idioms literally

You: it confuses people on the internet

Stranger: have a nice day bye

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: 19 male

You: hello

You: how are you, 19 male

You: ?

Stranger: im well u ?

You: eh, can’t complain. just chillin’ on my bed

Stranger: you are fem ?

You: am I?

Stranger: idfk

Stranger: 😉

Stranger: i can just believe , in u and your cam

You: has anyone ever told you that your flirting skills are excellent?

Stranger: yes ? no they havent told me, i dont give a fuck about that

You: yes, strangely enough, I picked up on that

Stranger: what is your name ?

You have disconnected.

You: helllo

Stranger: hi

You: what’s up?

Stranger: m or f

You: ehhh…one or the other

You: so hard to remember

You: i’m sure you understand

Stranger: well

Stranger: u bi

You: i’m pretty sure that’s not a gender…

Stranger: oh

Stranger: well f or m

You: didn’t we already cover this?

Stranger: ur stupid im m

Your conversational partner has disconnected

 

My personal favorite:

 Stranger: hey

You: helllo there

You: what’s up?

Stranger: male or female

You: didn’t you notice the subtle use of the extra “l” in hello?

You: that can only be attributed to one gender

Stranger: witch one

You: the one that understands subtlety

Stranger: okay then i still dont know what u mean

You: so you’re a male

You: see what I did there?

Stranger: no

Stranger: can u just say what u r ???

You have disconnected.

 

At this point, I was connected with a stranger posing as “Paul from omegle” who informed me that “lewd behavior” had been traced to my IP address, and that my internet provider would be notified within the next 24 hours.  Personally, I prefer my version of trolling, but it’s always nice to run into others who get a kick out of the site.

*True story. I noticed at the last minute that my title read “torlling” instead of “trolling.”  Guess my keyboard had the last laugh.

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